


HIM

by prettyboyhargrove



Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Backstory, Flashbacks, Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Past Abuse, slight angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-05
Updated: 2018-11-05
Packaged: 2019-08-18 21:34:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 905
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16525073
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/prettyboyhargrove/pseuds/prettyboyhargrove
Summary: Baz wakes up one morning, admiring Simon as he sleeps and goes through all the points that got them to where they are right now.





	HIM

**Author's Note:**

> Hey all! this is my first fic on here and honestly it's pretty average at best. I was inspired by the song HIM by Sam Smith and wrote this in two parts, the first part being from months ago. I hope you like it and that it'll be worth your while!

Baz was certain he was dreaming when he woke up to the feeling of someone sleeping beside him. He opened his eyes to see broad shoulders and moles that made up constellations across the boys back. It took him a brief moment, like it did every morning, to remember that it was Simon who was snoring softly beside him. After seven years with the other boy Baz was still in disbelief that he got to wake up like this. His eyes trailed over the sleeping boys face, taking in every bit of the sunshine that radiated off of him. Simon was sure that they were made for each other, like the sun and her stars. He would often point at the sky at night and tell Baz that it was fate they were together. 

“The sun is only out during the day” he would say “and the stars at night, but they loved each other enough to wait. They wait to see each other at dusk and dawn, and for a short moment they coexist in harmony.”

Baz never believed much in the fantasies that Simon would make up in his head, but he believed him when he said they were never supposed to end up together. So every morning when he woke up he found himself doubting the sight in front of him, unable to believe that they had ever made it this far. Simon was so bright that sometimes it hurt to look at him, yet Baz was dark and brooding. He wasn’t the type of boy a person would fall in love with, especially if that person happened to be Simon Snow.  
His mind trailed back in time, over memories he shared with Simon. Their first kiss: all wandering hands and panic. The first morning he woke up to see Simon asleep beside him, gently snoring. The Christmas he took Simon home to meet his family and his father banished him from the house, unable to accept the fact that his son was gay. Simon never truly forgave himself for that, he believed that If Baz had pretended nothing was happening between them that he would still have a family. The rosebud boy never understood that without him Baz would be nothing at all. 

Baz couldn’t help but think back to the beginning of their relationship, when things were new and each day brought a new struggle to face. For the first year they were together Simon woke up thrashing, panic filling his deep blue eyes as screams were torn from his throat almost every night. No matter what Baz said or did, nothing could stop them. For years Simon had been ridiculed for who he was, beaten down and shamed. The younger boy rarely spoke about what happened to him in the boy’s homes he grew up in but Baz knew he had been caught with another boy when he was fourteen. He had two of his teeth knocked through his bottom lip, the scars still visible years later.

Although he was proud of how far Simon had come, Baz frequently wondered if he would have been better off if they had never met at all. If they had never bumped into each other that night, if Simon had never said sorry and Baz never looked into those deep blue eyes, would his boyfriend still be suffering every day? 

Baz knew it was useless to think like this, they’d been together for far too long to ever leave one another, but sometimes he had too much time to think and few too many reasons not to blame himself for his boyfriends endless suffering. When he came out to his father at sixteen his dad laughed, told him he’d better grow out of it or he’d never be accepted as his son. Baz spent five years after that avoiding the subject altogether, until he met Simon. 

They met at a bar in downtown London, Simon was loud and brash, fighting with another patron; Baz was in the wrong place at the wrong time. After being knocked to the ground and exchanging a few harsh words Baz stood up and held his hand out to the blushing blonde boy, helping him to his feet. They spent the night talking, inseparable at first touch. Simon kissed him first, with trembling hands he brought Baz’s lips to his own and the rest was history. 

When Baz brought Simon to his childhood home for the first time his father wouldn’t allow them in the house, repeating the words he had said years before. The older boy didn’t have it in him to cry, just stood up straight and walked home seemingly unbothered by the December frost. Simon had tried to break up with him that night, begging Baz to let him go so he could have a family. All Simon ever wanted was a family. All Baz ever wanted was to be loved by a boy like Simon Snow. So on mornings like this, when the sun streamed through the window illuminating the sleeping boy like an angel, Baz was thankful that he never let the other boy leave all those years ago. 

Gently bringing his lips to the sleeping boys temple Baz sighed, pulling the covers back over the both of them. As he closed his eyes he heard the younger boy speak, no louder than a whisper. 

“I love you, go back to sleep”


End file.
